Make Mine MAPPER #28 -------------------- by Rob Haeuser Why Do You Think They Call It "Party Politics?" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Make Mine MAPPER: take two. There used to be words here, but after two paragraphs of rattle I decided to start over. Besides, who cares just exactly how much turkey I consumed, and why should they? I admit the feathers hanging out of my mouth were a bit gross, but they make great toothpicks when you have as much space between your teeth as I do. Now aren't you glad you didn't have to suffer through the original first two paragraphs? Believe me, it was pitiful. Graphic descriptions of pagan rituals, and all because of the need to beat my chest for voting for the winner in a presidential election only the second time in my life. All I can say is, maybe now Ross has scratched his "H" for a while, don't you hope? I can hear it now... "Hen-ryyyyyy!!!!! You bring that world-class rear in here right now and 'splain to me just exactly why you spent $65 million on some dern-fool plan to make "Crazy" our theme-song, dang it!" Ah, politics. Don't you love it? Then there's the "Read my lips" whiz. I tried to read 'em, but couldn't find 'em. Have you ever noticed that? George Bush has no lips. No wonder... To sum up his campaign strategy, I would like to quote my bathroom wall, which is covered with graffiti from the sixties: "When in panic, fear, or doubt, scream and shout and run about." Hmm... But my favorite fiasco was when our president-elect said, in reference to experimenting with marijuana, that he didn't inhale. Did you know that he was completely misunderstood? His southern accent, on top of a stuffy nose, made "did it" sound like "didn't". What he really said was that he "did it in hail." I hear he's done it in rain, sleet, and snow, as well. They say that lots of freak storms were popping up in the English countryside back then. Definitely a major communications problem in this last election. It ain't a lie, I just misspoke. Quick! Get an instant spin-doctor. OK, that's enough, already! I'm getting dizzy trying to focus on a never-ending pile of pundit-pondering. Curse CNN. Maybe we should blow off the verbal chit-chat and insist that all real communicating be handled via electronic bulletin boards. Actually, I doubt that any of the candidates can type. Did you notice that all three were left-handed? What does that tell ya, huh? Weird. Now, if I had been elected president, things would change all right. I can see it now... "President Rob! President Rob!" "What!!???? Can't you see I'm occupied! Jesus!" "And a merry Christmas to you too, sir! Whew! May I turn on the fan for you, sir?" "I can flip the blinking switch myself, thank you! It didn't work. Hey, what do you mean?" "Nothing sir, but part of my job is to guarantee that you receive sufficient oxygen to remain conscious, in case of an emergency." "You mean like the emergency I'm having right now? Blast it, what do you want???" "Sir, if we strike a match I'm sure a blast would ensue, but I recommend the fan as a more benign method for eliminating the, er, problem." "Ok, that's it. Install a terminal in here so I can get something done. And I don't ever want to see you're gasmask- covered face peeking around that corner again, got it?" "One more thing: give each state a 2200/900 and a CAP (Communications Access Processor) to talk to their other junk, wire 'em all up, and let's start MAPPERizing this mess. It's time to get down to business." "Yes sir, all the staff down the hall figured that's what you were doing." "Say What!!???? And what's the blasted canary for? It looks a bit limp. Does it always chirp off-key like that?" Gives a whole new meaning to the term "briefing room", don't you think? Speaking of thinking, one of those ideas just mentioned is interesting, albeit just a bit scary. Giving states the ability to easily communicate text and visual images among themselves, the federal government, and the local levels is fast becoming an absolute necessity. Technically, it would not be very difficult. Multiple MAPPERs would be running on a Gladiator system in each state. The Gladiators would all be networked, with each able to gather data locally from all the various hodge-podge of vendors via CAPs. Designer Workbenches Windowing away would create a seamlessness to reality, controlled only by the knowledge of a single password. Another scary thought. Control. Or the lack thereof. The fears of a big-brother approach to organizing and controlling society are very real, you say? Hey, give it up. We're already there. Try to take out a loan from the bank, forget to put down a debt, and they'll gently prod your obviously flawed memory to see if maybe you didn't forget something. Well, if they already know all about it, why did they make me get writer's cramp writing it all down? I hate that. It doesn't bother you that a gas pump can talk to your bank? Seems to me that the technology is available: government just needs to put it to good use. Touch-screen stations located at grocery stores, post offices, and other public places could offer everyone access to basic government services at all levels: city, county, state, and federal. A federally run free bulletin board would let anybody with a PC and a modem communicate directly with their representatives and all government agencies. Votes could be taken on any issue after a brief debate of the pros and cons. Tune in for the debate at nine, cast your vote at 9:30, and get the final tally before the ten o'clock news. To vote, just dial an 800 number, key in your SSN, await verification, and then respond via touch-tone phone to the issue of the moment. To prevent fraud, all calls would be traced, and only votes cast from pre-approved numbers would be accepted. Of course, everybody would have to have a phone line, a touch tone phone, a PC, a modem, and lessons on how to use all of it. Ha! You expect this from people who have trouble with the concept of keeping the pencil mark inside the funny-shaped circle? But consider the economic boon to computer and phone companies, which then spills over into related businesses, like Federal Express and cardboard box manufacturers. The economy rebounds, voters are happy, everything's rosy, presidential term- limits are repealed so that I can be voted in for life, and all because a White House ventilator switch needed replacement. Ain't America great? ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Haeuser has over 17 years of Data Processing experience. He has been the MAPPER Coordinator for the Texas Department of Human Services since 1983. Covering MAPPER topics ranging from technical to tacky, his never-ending quest is for truth, justice, and the MAPPER way.