Make Mine MAPPER #35 -------------------- by Rob Haeuser Where Were You In '93? or Happy 25th, MAPPER! ----------------------------------------------------------------- The year: 2018. The occasion: MAPPER's 50th anniversary celebration. The location: a remote island off the coast of antarctica, which is now a tropical continent. "Whew, it's hot! You know, I really miss cold winters. I was thinking of moving back to Florida just to see a little snow again, except that the blasted glacier is predicted to hit Miami within the next six months." "Seems like setting off all the nukes at one spot to alter the earth's rotation wasn't such a good idea after all, eh?" "Well, the tunnel they dug to dump 'em down and act like a giant jet engine was just a fraction of a degree off kilter, and the earth started whizzing around like a busted balloon. Man, it sure gave the guys on Luna-3 a scare! You should'a seen their faces!" "I hear that on Mount Everest you actually could. But, what I want to know is, who's bright idea was it to move everybody on the blasted planet to one lousy little continent, just 'cause it's the only habitable one left? What ever happened to 'survival of the richest', anyway?" "Hey, don't knock it. At least you have a MAPPER implant. Most of us still have to use a crummy visual interface. It's just a good thing I can still look and blink, you know?" "Hah! Can you believe they used to call it 'point and click'? What a riot! Sounds like something that would really frustrate that ancient movie actor, Clint Eastwood." "Yeah, heh, heh. Heh, heh. 'Ok, PC, make my day!' Point, click, point, click. 'Yaaaaah!' I can see him out of sheer frustration biting the tail off the mouse and spitting it at the screen. 'Tell me to point and click, will ya'! Take that, ya' lousy icon!' Then he whips out his trusty 45 and nails that sucker right between the windows!" "Those were the good ol' days, that's for sure." "Really. Back when bein' a mainframe meant something. These days, you're mainframe is the body you occupy most often. Speaking of which, have you seen the mega-mipper up the grid? Whoa!" "Ok, hold it down just a little, would ya'? We're almost at the MAPPER demo. Man! You act like you haven't been to every Unite conference for the last 25 years." "So what? I try to retain a child-like quality that, now that you mention it, never fails to get me in trouble. Hmmm..." "Here it is! Hold it. Great, they have individual hook-ups. I hate sharing virtual reality with non-implants." "Aw, shut up, ego-chip! You only got the implant 'cause you're blind. Someday I'll have 'under-utilized synapses' too." "What do you mean, someday?" "Alright, already. Ok, shush. They're starting to download." Loud music begins to permeate the virtual space between my virtual ears. Bright lights flash, a giant sucking sound is heard from somewhere down south, and my virtual butt lands hard on a Minneapolis street corner. "Welcome Use/Cube Conference attendees!" said the button on the counter behind the hotel desk. Too bad it was out of reach, or I would have already had my first souvenir. "Can I have that button?" I asked the person behind the counter. "What are yuh, nuts!!!?????" yelled the clerk, obviously ready for me to make his day. "Wha' da' ya' tink, dat I got nuttin' bedda ta' do?" He began to rummage through his overcoat, as if looking for Clint's colt. Whoa! Wait a minute! Virtual reality re-alignment in progress. That guy definitely was not a mild-mannered Minnesotan. An obnoxiously patient voice interrupts: "My sincerest apologies. My local customs program drifted a few hundred miles east of the intended target. Virtual reality re-alignment is now complete. Have a nice day." I hate it when that happens. Bad enough you're not really there to begin with, but when you aren't where you're not supposed to be, it can really get confusing, know what I mean. And now, back to the program... So this is Minnesota. Here's the Civic Center. Nice marble. Big pillars. Glass doors. Big hall. Register. Go get freebies. Green Jurassic drink wraps. Beer. Popcorn. Chit chat. Beer. Beer. Chit. Bathroom. Chat. Beer. "Ok, computer, enough image-surfing, already! All that input wasted on the first five minutes, when I've got a whole week to cover! Burp! Damn! That's you're fault, too, 'cause I don't even drink beer. "I tell you what. Engage the actual-virtual-really-reality program, so that I'm talking like I'm there, I mean here, and not there, looking at here, or is it here, looking at there? Man, where the hell am I?" "Why, you're in the Civic Center, friend." Who the heck is this? Oh, great. Everybody has been standing around watching me interface. Geez, how embarrassing. "Uh, is this the Use/Cube Conference? The one that's gonna celebrate MAPPER's 25th anniversary? I seem to have misplaced my virtual space-time compass." Talk about weird stares. You'd think that these guys had never seen neon green hair before. ... So, what to do 'til Monday morning? I could catch a football game. Don't remember the Vikings, though. They must be one of the teams that moved once the moon colony was established. Maybe they became the Luna Ticks, my personal favorite. Ok, so Sunday is shot. Let me check the schedule here. Oh, man! What? Eight A.M.!!?? In the morning? Aw, geez. I hate it before noon. This better be good. ... Monday morning. I can't seem to peel my eyes open yet. The dim lights in this meeting hall aren't helping, either. There's only one reason I would possibly get up this early: I heard that John THalhuber was giving his famous MAPPER speech. Alright! Here he comes. I wonder if John realizes that 25 years from now he still won't have a single grey hair? He obviously subscribes to the Dick Clark hair care product line. ... What a demo! MAPPER heaven. John was as clever as ever. His bosses' bosses' bosses' bosses' bosses' boss (sorry, I lost count) was duly impressed. You could tell 'cause his eyebrows twitched at least twice (or maybe he was just nervous 'cause he was following John). Finally! MAPPER's capabilities have been exposed to the power brokers. Exciting things are bound to happen! ... MAPPER, MAPPER, MAPPER! This is great! I am absolutely in MAPPER heaven. Sessions on how to, where to, when to, why to. Techy stuff. Novice stuff. Expert stuff. Something for everybody. But the highlight is coming up. The 4 pm session. A little MAPPER history. The Thalhuber girls in person. Seeing a dazzling demo of MAPPER running on a laptop, with one of the girls taking over the demonstrator's chair. Wow! Some real pointing and clicking! So, if a ten-year-old can do it, what's your excuse? The funny part for me is imagining a bunch of straight-laced plaid-pants programmer types standing around trying to name the original product. For, as everybody knows, it wasn't always called MAPPER. Besides, to heck with imagining, let's just virtual back for a moment. "I don't know, what do you think?" "Heck, I don't know. Anybody got any ideas?" "Uh, we could call it TUT - The User Thing." "Nah. That could give it a stigma." "How about RUT - Really Unbelievable Thing?" "How about NUTS, you jerk - Never Under-estimate This Software." "Wait, I've got it! It's software, right? But it runs on hardware, right? (Can you believe this guy was paid to think like this?) Ok, here it is: CRT-RPS - Cathode Ray Tube Report Processing System!" "'Critter-Rips' sounds like what the damn dog did to my pants! You have to be kidding." Who knows if he was, but that's what they called it for a while. Fortunately, a short while. Somebody liked the word MAPPER, so they invented an acronym for it. And it stuck. Ok, back to '93. This evening there's a reception for the MAPPERnauts. How many companies would throw a party for some software, I ask you? They obviously believe that it is a living entity. It has certainly instilled an almost religious fervor in those who swear by it. ... Oh, man. Champagne always does this to me. Maybe I should'a stopped after the last one, but here I am, leaning against the wall with a MAPPER glass in my hand, cake crumbs dangling from my mouth, getting woozy. Oh, oh. If I pass out, the virtual link is broken. Hmmm... This carpet is an interesting color... A voice penetrates the grey mist that seems to have filled my head. "Welcome back. How was the 25th anniversary?" "It was great! All the famous MAPPER gurus were there; Lou C., Lou S., John T., Mike S., Tom S., Caryn Z., and most everybody else. You know what's funny, though? Even back then, MAPPER was becoming a deity. They didn't realize to what extent it would take over everyday living." "Yeah, that was back when MAPPER and Windows were considered two separate things, right?" "Absolutely. If only they had realized then what MAPPER would be today, Unisys would'a bought out Microsoft a lot sooner." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Haeuser has 19 years of Data Processing experience. He was MAPPER Coordinator and Run Designer for the Texas Department of Human Services for ten years, and is now an independent contractor working in the Austin area. He also authored and is marketing a set of MAPPER run utilities called GURU. Covering MAPPER topics ranging from technical to tacky, his never-ending quest is for truth, justice, and the MAPPER way. Please direct all communications to: GURU Enterprises Attn Rob Haeuser 3212 Great Valley Drive Cedar Park, Tx. 78613 or call: 512-335-3862 (fax) / 512-331-0498 (voice)