The M Word #1 ------------- by Rob Haeuser What's In A Word, Anyway? ----------------------------------------------------------------- "Daddy, what do you do for a living?" My five-year-old son was obviously exploring the deep, dark, corners of the universe for that last little tidbit of knowledge necessary to justify yet another question. "Well, son, umm, er, I, uh, mmm-hmm...". Gee, that's a tough one. "Daddy got a froggy in his throatie?" "No! Just thinking out loud! Ok, I got it. I 'Maintain, Prepare, and Produce Executive Reports'. Now, say that ten times real fast." "Oh, Daddy, I don't mean what software you use, I mean, what do you do with it?" "Well, gee, I Manipulate Any Professional Person Even Remotely interested in MAPPER to Manage Any Possible Permutation with Exceptional Range, figuring that Maybe All People Prefer Excellent Results." "Daddy, that sounds like your doing MAPPER-speak again." "That's it, son! That's what I do! The sign in our window reads: 'MAPPER spoken here'. In fact, some people have said that I can really make MAPPER sing!" I didn't want to tell him that it was somebody from Europe that did the MAPPER song. "Well, I just hope that MAPPER sings better than you do, 'cause last night my milk started to curdle when you tried to sing along with Big Bird." Smark-aleky little brat. Besides, have you ever heard Big Bird do a solo? He has a nasal that'd make Bob Dylan sound normal. But, you know, he started me thinking. Just what do you do with MAPPER? Answer: just about anything you dang well please. Use your imagination. With so many functions available, you may have to get imaginative just deciding which one to use. I find that assigning them each a unique number and then rolling dice works nicely (I have plenty of dice). It's too bad, though, that with so much sheer, raw power, MAPPER still somehow got the reputation of being an end-user toy. Maybe it was a plot by status-starved old-school DP types fearing for their jobs to treat 'user' like a four-letter word. I was well into my thirties before it was brought to my attention that the last four letters of my name spelled the word 'user'. I thought, "Oh, my god! Not that! Not the 'U' word! Aarrgghh!!!" But then it dawned on me: I really was a user first. In a tape library. A long time ago. There was a programmer. I remember asking him for lists and stuff, and he would bring me something a few hours later. "Amazing! Programming must be pretty easy." Call me Mister Naive, ok? In truth, this guy was exceptional at Assembler. It wasn't until I became a programmer apprentice and got smacked in the face with a little COBOL reality that I felt something was amiss. After four gruelling years tediously moving one lousy little field after another and performing-varying-depending in a strictured world where you could never go to anywhere, I found MAPPER. A dream come true. Love at first byte, as they say. Just like I thought it should have always been: key something in, hit the button, and bada-bing! A career is born. So, thank you, Lou and crew, for, as John T. likes to say, the Most Amazing Programming Product Ever Released! Happy 25th!!!!! See ya in Minnesota! ----------------------------------------------------------------- Rob Haeuser has almost 19 years of Data Processing experience. He was MAPPER Coordinator and Run Designer for the Texas Department of Human Services for ten years, and is now an independent contractor working in the Austin area. He also authored and is marketing a set of MAPPER run utilities called GURU. Covering MAPPER topics ranging from technical to tacky, his never-ending quest is for truth, justice, and the MAPPER way. Please direct all communications to: GURU Enterprises Rob Haeuser, CEO 3212 Great Valley Drive Cedar Park, TX. 78613 or call: 512-331-0498